Hugging the Cactus Turns 6…And Evolves

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In early October 2017, I took several deep breaths before hitting the “publish” button for this blog, officially making its existence known to the world. I was terrified to share my diabetes story in a more intimate, personalized format, but also excited to see what I might be able to do with a website of my very own.

Turns out, I could do a lot. In the last six years, I’ve shared more than 800 (!!!) blog posts, mostly written by me, a handful of which were written by some all-star guest authors. That’s a whole lot of words (literally hundreds of thousands) and time put into developing new content. Besides writing regular blog posts, I’ve tried my hand at being a website curator – not an easy task, and that’s putting it lightly – as I’ve done the best that I could to keep this blog looking fresh and easy to navigate. I’ve used a few different social media platforms to engage with the broader diabetes community and share my blog posts in the hopes that writing about my diabetes struggles and triumphs would resonate with at least one person out there. To my surprise and utter delight, I’ve been able to connect with lots of people who may have stumbled across this blog by accident, or were brought here by a friend who recommended it.

It felt very fitting to recreate the picture that became the Hugging the Cactus “logo” of sorts 6 years ago.

It’s been incredibly humbling. I never would have guessed that writing this blog, which I’ve described before as a sort of diabetes coping mechanism for me, would have actually meant something to anyone else besides me. Hugging the Cactus resulted in friendships near and far, a few fun podcast opportunities, and even my appearance in a Dexcom commercial. Needless to say, this blog has been worth all the effort I’ve put into it for the last 2,000+ days.

But that’s a lot of days to continue running a passion project like this without getting a little burnt out. Or a lot burnt out. I have to admit that my spark for Hugging the Cactus began to fade in the last year, and upon reflection, it makes a lot of sense. After all, I’ve been a diabetes blogger since I was 19 years old. I started out writing for another website, and then felt so encouraged from that experience that I wanted to create my own website so I could continue sharing my story in a way that felt the most authentic to me and my diabetes journey. That’s when Hugging the Cactus was born, and my identity as a “diabetes blogger” was solidified.

I’m proud to wear that title, but I’m also exhausted. I’ve spent nearly my entire adulthood thus far as a diabetes blogger, and I’m not sure that it serves me in the same way that it did when I first started over a decade ago. For some reason, it feels more like a chore than an act of joy when I sit down to write new blog posts each week. Perhaps as I’ve gotten older, the ways in which I think and feel about my diabetes have changed, and I’m just in a phase of figuring out whether writing about it is really what I want to do in my spare time. And that’s okay – I never anticipated this blog to go on forever, but I also don’t expect it to just completely end. That feels too final.

So as Hugging the Cactus celebrates turning 6 years old, it also enters its next evolution as I take a step back from it. I’m not sure how often I’ll post here, but it’s comforting to know that it’s available to me whenever the desire strikes for me to revisit it. And how wildly wonderful it is to know that I have 6 full years of my life with diabetes captured here for me to reflect on, and for others to discover and hopefully feel a little less alone as a result.

Thank you, dear reader, for joining me along for the ride – whether you’ve been here since the beginning or showed up somewhere in the middle or near the end, your support means everything to me. Until we meet again, remember to hug the cactus in your life (whether it’s diabetes or not) every so often.

Love,

Molly

A Passive Aggressive Email to My Diabetes

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Ah, emails. They’re an effective way to communicate with colleagues, but just like text messages or any other written bit of information, it’s almost always impossible to gauge the tone of an email; thereby, making it really easy to misconstrue the meaning behind some of them.

Some, but not all.

In those other scenarios, it’s obvious what the sender was intending to convey if the email is peppered with particular language that is best characterized as passive aggressive. This language is polite and direct, but maybe said with a little bit of an attitude depending on the context. And almost everyone is guilty of sending an email with passive aggressive language within it, myself included.

There’s scarcely been a single time in which I actually wanted to come across as aggressive, or worse, disrespectful. But by the same token, it can be difficult to mask frustration when something was clearly conveyed in a prior communication or when you’re seeking feedback that nobody is providing to you.

So as I contemplated passive aggressive emails, and the phrases that typically comprise them, it dawned on me that there is definitely an email recipient that I’d love to send a fully charged, passive aggressive communication to…and that is, of course, my diabetes. Without further ado, here’s what I’d say in it:

Dear diabetes,

I wanted to circle back and ask you for an update. Sorry to bother you again, but I’m looking for feedback on how I could improve our working relationship.

As per my last email to you, I want to work smarter, not harder with you. As we discussed, your disruptions throughout my day affect more than just my productivity; moreover, they make it difficult for me to maintain a positive attitude. We both have a shared goal to maintain in-range blood sugars and in order to make that happen, I want to better understand your approach. What kinds of changes, if any, do you need me to make so I can help you thrive? Please advise. I’d be happy to escalate this issue to management, but in order to use time and resources more effectively, I wanted to follow up with you again first.

In order to maintain clarity, it’s important for you to reply at your earliest convenience. This is just my friendly reminder to you that I’d greatly appreciate your input or suggestions. Should you need further clarification, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Thanks in advance,

Molly

Oooh, just merely crafting that pretend email made my fingertips tingle with the sarcasm as I typed. I’m not sure I’ve ever written something that was so clearly dripping with frustration and scorn, but I gotta say, it felt kinda nice.

And genuinely, I would greatly appreciate getting some type of response from my diabetes. It’s not like I’m going through burnout right now, but there have been some truly head-scratching moments in my life with diabetes lately that make me go “whyyyyyyyyyyy thoughhhhhhhhhh” in my most whiny tone of voice. Its unpredictability can get a little old, and I just want to know what I could or should be doing differently in order to handle it better.

Guess I’ll just have to find some solace in at least capturing my feelings here, and knowing that the periods of unpredictability will come and go, just as my blood sugar will rise and lower.

3 Reasons Why I Tell Most People I Meet About My Diabetes

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There’s a running joke in my family that I don’t shut up about diabetes.

This is partially true. I do talk about it an awful lot, whether it’s via this blog or at family gatherings when my devices are alarming (or when the other 2 T1Ds in my family have their tech going off, as well – it’s a downright symphony of sound that’s tough to ignore). While it’s definitely not my go-to discussion topic in most situations, it is something I tend to mention when I’m meeting new people. As I thought about why, exactly, I do this, I realized it came down to three reasons:

  1. It promotes safety. I feel so much safer knowing that the people around me are aware of my diabetes. They know that the sounds emitting from the devices that I’m wearing on my body are for a medical reason, and it’s not me being rude/inconsiderate with disruptive noises. They know that there may be times in which I need to take a few minutes to address my blood sugar, whether it’s high or low, and that it’s not something they should take personally. And it gives me a chance to let them know what, if anything, they should do in certain scenarios. So it’s not just a matter of looking out for my own safety, it’s also about the people that I’m with and empowering them with the information they need to know about my condition.
  2. There’s less mystery. Humans are curious by nature. So curious, in fact, that I’ve had dozens of perfect strangers approach me over the years and ask me what “that thing” on my arm is. While this behavior is far from charming, it at least resolves any curiosity someone might have about what it’s like to live with type 1 diabetes and gets a conversation going about it.
  3. I have an opportunity to defeat diabetes stigma. The best case scenario when I meet someone new and they’re wanting to talk about my diabetes is that it isn’t just a “one-and-done” type of conversation. It evolves into an ongoing one as they ask me increasingly thoughtful questions and discover that what they thought they knew about type 1 diabetes is actually just stigmatized or downright incorrect. It’s a good learning opportunity for new people in my life, as well as a reminder for myself that I likely will always need to be prepared to explain type 1 diabetes to anyone I meet who doesn’t realize what it means to have it.

While some might find it burdensome to bring up diabetes over and over again as jobs change, social circles expand, and living situations evolve, I truly believe that the pros outweigh the cons here. I’ve wracked my brain the entire time while writing this blog post in search of a memory of a time that it didn’t go well, but truthfully I can’t recall a single time in which me bringing up diabetes was met negatively. So from my point of view, why not continue to share it with new people that I meet? As long as I’m not kicking off every introduction with “Hi, I’m Molly and I have type 1 diabetes” (which I absolutely DO NOT do and wouldn’t recommend anyone doing, as it brings to mind a certain character from South Park), then I think it’s good to be upfront about it and let conversations around it flow naturally for the reasons above, at the very least.

Diabetes: Where’s the Off Button on This Thing?!

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So many things in this world come with an “off” button or switch – just about all electronic devices, that obnoxious toy that your child loves playing with, and pretty much anything else that could be considered loud, disruptive, or downright annoying.

I wish diabetes was one of those things that came with an “off” button.

I suppose that technically would be a cure, but since we’re already talking about things that are purely imaginary at this point in time…

Think about it, though. Diabetes is 24/7/365. Even when I’m sleeping, it sure as hell is not, and despite my Omnipod 5 making it so that my overnight blood sugars are more stable than ever, it’s still disheartening to wake up to a low or high blood sugar alarm that I have to immediately do something about. So having an “off” button for my diabetes throughout the night, at the very least, would do so much for me.

But it’s also during times of interaction with others – in the workplace, at a bar/restaurant, in my pole classes, and so forth – that I find myself sometimes really longing for a diabetes “off” button. It’s not so much when my devices are alarming in those settings, because I’ve found that most people don’t even notice them. It’s more so when I’m having a low or a high that’s preventing me from being fully present in the moment.

Take, for example, the time that I was in my office and experiencing the symptoms of an oncoming low. This just so happened to coincide with lunchtime, but that was also when my coworkers decided to get up for an afternoon stretch/walk. They invited me to join them but I had to turn them down, as I knew that walking would only drive my blood sugar lower and potentially create a situation that I definitely didn’t want to subject my colleagues to. I hated having to say no on a particularly beautiful mid-September afternoon; alas, I don’t have an “off” button for my diabetes so I couldn’t just ignore what I needed to do at that moment in time.

Before I get too caught up in pessimism here, I’ve got to remind myself that it’s not like diabetes makes every social situation difficult or awkward for me. Far from it. There are even some occasions in which diabetes enhances the quality of interaction I have with others.

But this knowledge isn’t enough to make me stop wanting (yearning) for a diabetes “off” button, even if it only means that I get to utilize it for a short stint of time.

Has Diabetes Ruined my Relationship with Food?

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It’s interesting how my thoughts and feelings about life with diabetes have changed over the years.

Take, for instance, this blog post I wrote three years ago in which I wrote about my strange, strained relationship with food. I blamed my diabetes for significantly impacting how I feel about food because I have to be so careful every time I eat and make sure I carb count accurately so I don’t experience blood sugar swings while also trying to maintain a healthy, balanced diet…yeah, it’s a lot to think about every single time that I eat a snack or a meal.

So when I revisited that post in question and was reminded of my complex thoughts on food, I couldn’t help but wonder…has my diabetes really ruined my relationship with it?

My answer to this question now is a definitive no.

Do I get annoyed having to carb count everything that I eat? Sometimes, I do, that’s for damn sure. But for the vast majority of the time, it’s honestly more of a reflex for me than anything else – I’ve gotten very used to this practice in my 25+ years with diabetes, and it has become second nature over that span of time.

Plus, it’s not as though my diabetes has prevented me from enjoying the foods that I like eating, or the ones that I want to try for the first time. It can definitely mess with the timing of when I eat certain foods due to factors like glycemic index or overall carbohydrate content, but this is something that I can typically work around. Even if I don’t nail my carb count for each and every thing that I eat (which trust me, I can mess this up several times in a given week if I’m eating a wider variety of foods), I can still learn from it and apply it to the next time that I eat whatever it was that threw me off my carbohydrate game.

I’m not saying that my relationship with food is easy – it can be far from it. But I am recognizing that perhaps I’ve been a bit harsh in my previous evaluations of how I feel about food from a diabetes perspective. Maybe now that I’m taking some time to think about it more and realizing that I’m able to enjoy a nutritious and delicious menu of food, despite my diabetes, I can begin to look at my relationship with food from other angles and find ways to gain a greater appreciation for how it fuels me to live a full life – pun intended.

The Best Time to Change CGM and Insulin Pump Sites

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There IS a definitive best time to change a CGM and/or insulin pump site. It’s rare, but when the stars align and both sites need to be changed around the same time on the same day, then that is the magical occasion that allows for a device-free shower. So for me, syncing up pod and Dexcom sensor changes with the time that I plan to take a shower is by far the most wonderful and ideal time to go out with the old, in with the new.

Think about it. These two devices are meant to be worn 24/7, 365. The only time they ever come off my body is so I can rotate sites and put fresh sensors/pods on. This means that I’ve got two medical devices attached to my body at (just about) all times. And I’m totally used to that, except for the times that I somehow forget about my pod and CGM and manage to knock them off my body while changing clothes or, you know, just walking around – and apparently into – doorways/gates/etc.

So when a pod change coincides with a CGM sensor change, I embrace this as an opportunity to enjoy being free from my devices for a short window of time – and for me, the length of time it takes for me to shower is just perfect for taking a break and not having to worry about 1) cleaning around my devices, 2) bumping them into my shower door, or most importantly of all 3) rising blood sugar levels as this short time span isn’t long enough for me to face any consequences of not having an active bolus.

These might seem like trivial reasons to relish a device break so much, but it really is the only time that I am reminded that my body is aided by the devices, not defined by them. It’s nice to see my skin free of them both, even if it’s only for a short while.

What Is That Ticking Sound?!

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Tick, tick, tick…

It was approximately 8 A.M. on a weekday. I was in my kitchen, figuring out what I should eat for breakfast. I begin to take out all the things I usually put into a fruit smoothie – almond milk, protein powder, frozen fruit – when I noticed the ticking.

Tick, tick, tick…

My eyes wandered over to the clock affixed to my kitchen wall; certainly, that was the source of the sound. I walked up to it and held my ear close before remembering that said clock has not functioned properly since the day it was put up (that’s a long story, one that hopefully ends in me repairing it eventually). I could rule out the clock.

Tick, tick, tick…

It sounded like a small winged insect, maybe one that was drawn to light, repeatedly flying into my overhead kitchen light. I squinted up, trying to avoid getting blinded by the brightness, as I attempted to locate a flying insect. I couldn’t see anything.

Tick, tick, tick…

I was getting annoyed now. Where was this coming from? Was I imagining it? I felt like a character from the old Harry Potter Puppet Pals YouTube video that was popular when I was a teenager. If you haven’t seen it, it’s worth a watch for a little giggle, but basically it features main characters from the Harry Potter series goofing about and singing their names while Professor Snape attempts to identify what is making a mysterious ticking noise in the background.

It was only after this silly video popped into my mind that it dawned on me…

…the ticking was coming from my pod. I’d picked up my PDM and started a bolus before I went into the kitchen. I just completely forgot that I’d done so.

Tick, tick, tick…beep!

Soon after this realization struck me, I started laughing at myself, and then my pod declared that the bolus was finished delivering with a single “beep”. I found it funny how something that I do multiple times each day still has the ability to confuse all common sense out of me. My pod makes ticking sounds, sometimes one or two at a time, and other times a series of dozens, all the time. More often than not, I’m oblivious to the sound, and I really only ever tune in to ensure that a bolus is getting delivered or whenever it’s reaaaaaaally quiet all around me and it’s the only sound to be heard. But apparently, it can still catch me off-guard to the point that I forget it exists.

At least I found out the source of the ticking, though.

Sparkly Retinas

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23 minutes.

That’s how long my annual appointment with my ophthalmologist lasted this past week. I think we may have set a record in eye doctor appointment efficiency, as it was only such a short visit because there wasn’t a whole lot to talk about other than my “sparkly retinas”.

Yup, that was indeed the exact phrasing my doctor used to describe the state of my eye health upon dilation and examination. She went on to add several other gushing exclamations about my eyes, most of which I can’t recall because I was laughing at her comments.

It might sound like the appointment was rushed or that my doctor was less than thorough, given how short it was, but I was asked more than once if I had any eye concerns that I wanted to discuss with the doctor before I left. And I genuinely couldn’t think of anything worth mentioning, as my eye health has been stable in the last year and I haven’t had any noticeable vision changes. So we didn’t need to prolong my visit by any means. We probably spent a collective 7 or 8 minutes together before I was given a clean bill of eye health and asked to make my appointment for next year before leaving the building. It was that easy-peasy.

And I am extremely grateful for that.

Almost 26 years of living with diabetes and so far, it hasn’t impacted my eye sight. I don’t take that for granted. I know that may not always be the case. But for now, I’m more than happy to give up a measly hour of my day (I would’ve said 30 minutes, but I had to factor in the drive time to and from the doctor, naturally), once a year just to have that reassurance that I’m doing something right when it comes to my overall health. And maybe to hear that I have “sparkly retinas”, because that is quite a unique compliment.

A Day Without Diabetes, Revisited

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A day without diabetes…it’ll happen, one day. Who knows when. But until that happy time, it’s fun to think about what a day without diabetes would look like for me. Originally, I dreamed up a diabetes-free day 5 years ago (which you can read about here); while what I wrote then is still pretty much 100% true for me now, I think it’s more enjoyable to think about the bigger picture rather than get into the nitty-gritty details – though I definitely wouldn’t say no to any of the specifications I got into my previous post!

What does the bigger picture look like? In a word, bliss. In a list, something like this:

  • Eat whatever the hell I want without repercussions
  • Exercise in any form without my blood sugar levels stopping me
  • Enjoy the silence created by no beeping or alarming devices
  • Embrace a device-free body
  • Evade needles of all shapes and sizes, excess medications, and tiny blood droplets that won’t stain my clothing because they aren’t there
  • Experience peace of mind in knowing that my decisions for the day would not be sway in any form by diabetes

I think it’s that last bullet point that resonates with me more than any of the others – “experience peace of mind”. While I can certainly attain that even while actively managing my diabetes, it’s not quite the same because there’s always a part of me, even if it’s tinier than a speck of dust, that will worry about diabetes. I can’t ever seem to get rid of it. But I could if I were to ever experience a day without diabetes.

That’s why I remain hopeful, if not naively optimistic, that I’ll get to experience one – and many others, to boot, if I want to get really enthusiastic about it – in my lifetime.

Read Between the Lines

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I’ll never forget seeing the movie School of Rock for the first time.

When the movie came out 20 years (yes, somehow, some way, it’s already a two-decades-old film) ago, my dad took me and my older brother to see it in theaters. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was truly such an iconic movie that still holds up. It had the best rock ‘n roll music, cheeky and clever dialogue, and a fair few dozen references that I didn’t fully appreciate until I was a little older. But one that I understood right away, at the tender age of 10, was the moment in the movie in which Dewey (played effortlessly by Jack Black) mouthed off to another character by telling them to “read between the lines” and holding up three fingers. I knew immediately that he was telling the other person to ignore the two fingers and focus solely on the one in the middle, and my adolescent self thought this was hysterically funny and a totally brilliant way to give someone the finger without, well, actually doing it.

I’m not sure what prompted me to think about this scene randomly just a few minutes before I sat down to write this post, but naturally I started thinking about how life with diabetes is quite literally reading between the lines. We read in between the lines of our Dexcom or other CGM graphs constantly. Reading in between those lines can dictate whether we are having a good, bad, or somewhere-in-between diabetes day. Reading in between those lines often informs the next decision we make in terms of what we choose to eat, what we choose to do, and so forth. Reading in between those lines can contribute to an overwhelming amount of exhaustion, burnout, anger, frustration, relief, defeat, success, and sadness. No wonder the phrase (and intended meaning of) “read between the lines” inspires such passion!

So it shouldn’t be surprising that reading in between the lines makes me want to do my very best Dewey Finn/Jack Black impression and yell out to my diabetes itself, “read between the LINES!” and then kick a drum set aggressively before I storm out a room. But then I’m reminded that when you living with diabetes means that I’m hardcore. And as we learn in School of Rock, you’re not hardcore unless you LIVE hardcore.

So thanks for that reminder, School of Rock, that I’m hardcore and that just because having diabetes means that I do read between the lines often, it doesn’t mean that I can’t tell my diabetes to do the same.